Friday, June 24, 2011

The Truth

People keep asking me how I am, and honestly at this point I feel like all these people want is for me to lie to them. They think that three months is all the time in the world to heal and move on. I want to scream at them.

The Truth?

I feel so terribly lost.

In the last four months, I have lost almost everything I had spent the last year building. I lost my job. I lost my shared beautiful apartment. I lost an area that I had grown to know like the back of my hand, that I now find myself starting to miss in ways I'd never dreamed possible. I lost my friends, or at least a few good ones that now I rarely see. I lost a future I had begun to plan out with a boy that I loved immensely, a boy that I loved enough to let things get fucked up with by turning a blind eye to actions wrought by the both of us. I lost my very best friend, who I shared everything with. Very rarely did I ever feel judged by him, he got me in a way that I have never been "got" before. I lost my lover, and he was a very exceptional lover. I lost the boy I wanted to settle with, to grow old with, to watch as the wrinkles came, and the hair changed color. I wanted that. I wanted him. I loved him.

And now? It's all gone and it's not a story that can really ever be picked back up and continued. Honestly there is no coming back from blows, and stealing, from calling the cops, to the complete disintegration of our relationship in a matter of hours. He'd done some questionable things in the past that I had forgiven and gotten past, but this? No way. As much as I miss what I had, I've finally begun the task of trying to repair the gap between my heart and my head. Yes I still care for him, and honestly I don't think I will ever stop. That boy's love spun me in circles and threw me over mountain tops, but he also threw me into walls. He actively connected his fist with my face. This is a no bueno. And it hurts. It hasn't stopped hurting in the months since that last week in March and I don't see the end in sight. It will be okay though. I've got good friends, a good head regardless of what anyone thinks, and a cat that I'd jump into a burning ring of fire for.

I miss you, I miss you so fiercely tremors run up and down my spine when I think of you, of what we had. There are five saved voice mails on my phone. The first is of us in love and being stupid, you called me when I was standing next to you, telling me you loved me. You hear me in the background telling you how silly you are and that I love you. The next three consist of the 911 operator calling me back after you took my phone from me as I called for help and hung it up. The next two are of the police, trying to get you to answer my phone since you still had it after you'd taken off. The last message? The last message is of you, the next morning after you'd avoided the cops and stolen from me threatening me. I listen to these when I feel like calling you, when I feel like texting you, when I feel like I am forgetting why I am where I am.

It's over. There is no going back. I've lost a part of me that I built with you. You changed me. And this is how I feel. So please stop telling me it'll be alright.

I know it'll be alright, it always is.

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